General "PG" Jokes
(the kids really shouldn't be reading this)

• Longer jokes and themes have their own pages.
• Don't forget to hit refresh on this page so that you will be able to see the new jokes as they are added. Last updated 05-26-2007.
• The Canonical List Of Elephant Jokes is here!
• There are also more than 400 Blonde Jokes too!

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their intimate relationship:
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

A couple had been married for about 15 years, and one fine summer day as 
they are out working in the yard, the man tells his wife, "Man, your butt 
is getting fat!"
She gets ticked off and moves to another part of the yard. The husband 
follows her and says, "You know that gas grill over there? I'll bet your 
butt is as big as that grill. It's huge!"
The wife gets really mad, tells him HE can finish the yard HIMSELF and she 
goes inside. Then the husband, still playful and fixated, finds a 
yardstick, measures the grill, goes inside and measures his wife and says, 
"Yup, they are both the same size."
The wife doesn't appreciate his sense of humor and is livid! She doesn't 
speak to him the rest of the day. When the man comes to bed that night, he 
cuddles up next to his wife and says, "Hey honey, how 'bout it?
She thinks for a moment and pulls away. "What's wrong?" he asks. She 
answers, "you're crazy, if you think I'm gonna fire up this big ass grill 
for one little weenie!"

Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."
Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
"Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"
She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me?"
"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you."
But are you good in bed?", she asked.
He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few 
minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."
Priest says: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest says, "What did you do?" 
Man says, "I committed adultery."
Priest asks, "How many times?" 
Man replies, "Three times."
Priest says, "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." 
Rabbi says, "What did you do?"
Woman replies, "I committed adultery."
Rabbi asks, "How many times?" 
Woman says "Once." 
Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

"I don't care. Just get the fuck out."

Potential and Reality

    A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully and then says, "I'll demonstrate it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
    The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores."

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

    Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
    Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
    The grave side was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt
Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
    Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by
those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was
a roll model for millions.
    Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and
another bun in the oven.
    The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

The difference between men and women:
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg you pardon,sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, " and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office."Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

One day the boss had a problem. He found out he'd have to fire either Jack or Jill. His problem was that they were both equally dedicated and qualified for the job and he couldn't decide which one to let go. He finally decided that the first one to leave their desk the next morning would be the one to be fired. The next morning Jill had an awful headache. She asked Jack for some aspirin and headed for the water fountain, where the boss approached her.
"I've got some bad news for you Jill. I'mm gonna either have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill snapped back, "Well jack off! I have a headache."
Thanks to Zoya Argentina for this one.

I was a first grade teacher. I had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read I gave the children a work sheet to do. I thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it there. I heard a little girl say very softly "Jesus Christ!". I leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."

She looked at me, her eyes got very big and she said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"

DOG FIGHT
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in th world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left, at all, of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

If a light sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard sleeper sleep with?

What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
Mark Spitz, and Greg swallows.

What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash slash backslash escape

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She is going to eat me!

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaah?
About three inches.

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.

What is the difference between the Lion King and O.J.?
One is an African lion, the other is a "lying" African.

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One...men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.....the other is used to carry groceries.

What did the blonde say when asked if she had been picked up by the fuzz?
"No....but I have been swung around by the tits.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

The Men in Collars

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. Tha angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'--the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.   After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his   office alone.   He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare, but serious   disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,  your husband will surely die."  "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Dogs, Cats and Planes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest from Kansas to Chicago. The son who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?". The boy said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replid, "Well, son, they're making a puppy." The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionanle little boy,
"Well, son, we are making you a little brother." The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"

Just Waiting

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

The Maid

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
How are we gonna find the egg in all this shit!

Why are asteroids called asteroids, and hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't it be the other way around?

These two housewives were complaining about how loud their dogs snored. the first one says, "Every time I want to watch my soap operas, the dog comes in, flops down and falls asleep. He snores so loud, I can't hear the TV." the second one says, "Do what I do. When my dog falls asleep and snores, I tie a ribbon around his balls, and he stops snoring." the first one says "I'll try it next time." The next evening, the dog comes in, flops down and falls asleep. The housewife goes to her sewing kit, takes out a red ribbon and ties it around the dog's nuts. Like a miracle, the dog is silent. She is pretty pleased. Later That night, Her husband comes home drunk, flops down in the bed with her and starts snoring loudly. She is very upset, but remembers her friend's advice. She gets a blue ribbon from her kit, and ties it around his scrotum. He of course stops snoring. She is able to sleep. Later still, the husband wakes up to go to the bathroom and let the dog out. When he takes a piss, he notices the blue ribbon and when he lets the dog back in, he notices the red one. He says, "Rover, I don't know where we've been, but at least we came in first and second..."

It's after midnight, and little Willie is walking along the side of the highway, dragging a pillowcase full of clothes and stuffed animals. Officer Jones pulled up beside him and asked where he was headed.
"I'm running away from home" says Willie.
"Why is that?" asks the officer.
"Well, all day Mom and Dad were arguing about the bills. 'Bills, bills, bills!' They were still arguing when I went to bed. But after they went to bed, I got up to get a drink. And when I went by their room, I heard them yelling in there, too! Dad said, "I'm pulling out!" and Mom said, "I'm coming too!". I'll be damned if I was going to stay there and get stuck with all those bills!"

The morning after the annual company party, a man and his wife wake up. Husband: Boy, am I hung-over. I don't remember what went on last night at all.
Wife: Well, you really got drunk. Your boss was very mad at you.
Husband: Well, piss on him!
Wife: You did, and he fired you.
Husband: Well, then, fuck him!
Wife: I did, and you go back to work on Monday!

Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida:

WEDDING RING SET WITH
numerous diamonds, $400 or
trade for handgun. 874-0935

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest,
"Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."

Once there was this drunk sitting at a bar, when a woman came in and set down beside him. He leaned back a little, studying her rear, and said "Yeeuze got a big ass there!"
The lady, taken aback by the statement, said "Well, I never ...", and turned her back to him.
Unflustered, the drunk walked to the other side of her, sat down and began to study her chest. After a moment, he said to her, "Yeeuze got little tits too."
The lady, getting angry at this point, stood up and said "Do you get kicks by saying this shit to people, or are you just a moron?"
The drunk, quickly replied, "Now don't get mad. I was simply making an observation. I am a doctor and I know how you can get your breasts larger."
Upon this sincere reply, the lady lightened up, looked around, and whispered The lady, taken aback by the statement, said "Well, I never ...", and turned her back to him.
Unflustered, the drunk walked to the other side of her, sat down and began to study her chest. After a moment, he said to her, "Yeeuze got little tits too."
The lady, getting angry at this point, stood up and said "Do you get kicks by saying this shit to people, or are you just a moron?"
The drunk, quickly replied, "Now don't get mad. I was simply making an observation. I am a doctor and I know how you can get your breasts larger."
Upon this sincere reply, the lady lightened up, looked around, and whispered "How? It really does bother me that my breasts are small."
The drunk quickly replied "Rub toilet paper on them, especially the nipples." She said "What? How is that going to get my breasts to grow larger."
The drunk then said " Don't know. But look what it did to your ass!"

This one's for those of you who are familiar with the former governor of Virginia. But it could apply to many different politicians.

Governor Wilder wanted to hire a call girl. He found three such girls in a
local lounge, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. He approached the blonde and said,"I am the governor of Virginia. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
"$200.00,"she replied. Then he asked the brunette the same question.
"$100.00,"was the response. He then approached the redhead who, without hesitation replied,
"Governor, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as
low as my income, have that thing as hard as times have been lately, and screw me like you did the state employees, then it won't cost you a penny!!!"

*** IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ***

...a parable.

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly South for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly South. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

--=**The Moral of the Story**=--

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A man, wanting to impress his new wife with a display of his love, entered a tattoo parlor and decided to get his wife's name inscribed on his genitalia. The man got particularly aroused when a female tatooist attended him, and got a erection. The woman went right ahead and did the tattoo of the man's wife's name, "Wendy". A few weeks later, the man was relieving himself in an airport in Jamaica (it's there honeymoon, alright?). He glanced over to the next urinal where a man with dreadlocks and a Third World shirt stood. Knowing that his tattoo read "wy" when he was soft, the man was surprised to see the same two letters on the Rastafarians penis. He asked the Jamaican if his wife was named Wendy, too, and the Jamaican replied, "No." "Well, what does your tattoo say then?" the man inquired.

"Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."

This one's OK I guess...

A comedian was trying to 'make it big' in show-biz... so, he went to an agent to try to get on a show. He said to the agent,
"Hey, why don't you let me be on one of your shows?" but the agent said,
"Sorry, no can do... we have acts up to our ears, we cannot fit you..." but the comedian persisted. Finally, the agent agreed to let him do his act to get him out of his hair. When the comedian was finished, the agent said
"Wow that was a really GREAT act! In fact I think I'll sign you up RIGHT NOW! OK, ...Uhm, what'd you say your name was?"
"Penis Van Lesbian."
"Penis Van Lesbian?"
"Yes, my name is Penis Van Lesbian."
"Well, y'know, I think we'll have to change your name... Why don't you talk with your family tonight or go home this weekend and think of a good stage name?" The comedian thought this was reasonable, so he did what the agent said.

WHAT DID PENIS VAN LESBIAN CHOOSE AS A STAGE NAME?

Dick Van Dyke

One evening, this guy was walking through the upstairs of his house when he hears his young son saying his Bedtime Prayers: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, Gob Bless Grandma, God Bless Grandpa, Goodbye Uncle Ed." "Goodbye Uncle Ed?", thought the guy, "What could the kid have meant by that?" Well the next day, they got a phone call; seems old Uncle Ed up and took a heart attack. Killed him deader than hell. "Hmm... " thought the guy. "How about that." A few months later, the guy hears his son praying again: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa." Sure enough, the next day Grandpa was crossing the street when he got hit by a bus. Never knew what hit him. "Well," said our hero, "This kid is two for two." A few weeks later he hears the kid a third time: "God bless Mommy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Daddy." They guy is alarmed! "Oh my God! This is it! I'm finished! It is the end of the line! The fat lady has sung! It's all over!" So he went to bed that night, but didn't sleep too well. The next morning he looks out the window and sees the sun coming up on a beautiful day and says "Ah, what the Hell, might as well go out in a blaze of glory." He hops in his car, tears down the street a 90 miles per hour, running over a motorcycle cop along the way. He goes into his office, empties all his desk drawers on the floor, throws papers everywhere, goes in and cusses out his boss and pinches the secretary on the ass as he walks out the door. Then he goes down to the local bar, orders a round for the house, and proceeds to get schnockered. Well, three o'clock in the afternoon rolls around, and he is still there. At four o'clock he orders another drink and waits. At five o'clock he starts to panic. "What am I going to do? I'm in trouble with the cops, I don't have a job, and I've got this $1000 bar tab. Let's hurry up and get this over with!" Finally at six o'clock, he gets in his car and slowly drives home. He goes into his house and plops himself down on the couch. His wife walks in, and he says "Honey, I had a really bad day." His wife says "You think you had a bad day? I went outside this morning and found the mailman dead on the front porch!"

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